Selection Process
"It's important to select people who mean the most to you," says Joyce Scardina Becker, president of Events Of Distinction, a wedding planning and special event management company in San Francisco. "I believe the ideal candidate for your wedding party should demonstrate some important abilities."
These abilities include dependability, stability, availability and affordability. "Can you count on the best men to stay sober long enough to make an eloquent toast?" says Becker. "Will your bridesmaids be there to support you or will they turn into a catfight? Do they live close by? Can they afford to purchase a dress or rent a tux and travel if need be?"
Numbers Game
It's no longer necessary to have an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen so they match as couples; the only obligations you have when choosing your bridal party are your own.
"Part of the reason that members of a bridal party are now called attendants is because brides may choose to have males stand up with her and grooms may choose to have females stand up with them," says Phyllis Cambria, a wedding planner in Coconut Creek, Fla.
"Couples should feel free to invite those friends or family whom they feel closest to. It used to be that couples felt that there were people that they were obligated to invite to be part of their wedding party, whether they were close to them or not."
Mix & Match
Yet even with the freedom that many people experience nowadays, there are still some common sense considerations to be made.
"Often couples will have a relatively small number of guests - in that case having a large number of attendants would be unseemly," says Cambria. "In fact, for very small ceremonies, only a maid of honor or best man would suffice."
When it comes to siblings and family members, even more considerations need to be made.
"It's a wise move to include any siblings, step-siblings and your fiancée's siblings as well if you're having a large bridal party," says Sharon Naylor, author of "The Essential Guide To Wedding Etiquette." ($10.95, Sourcebooks) "It's your choice if you wish to include siblings, spouses or significant others, if you're close to them. However you should never feel obligated to include siblings or their partners if you're not close to them or battle with them regularly."
On The Bench
One of the biggest challenges you'll face during this process is deciding whom to leave out of your bridal party. It's only natural to feel this way, but Naylor says people will understand that you can't ask everyone you know.
"True friends will understand that you have a lot of siblings and your fiancée's family to include," she says. "Still, some people might be upset that you haven't asked. Expect that, and be ready with a conversation where you genuinely express that you wish you could include everyone, but it's simply not possible." Whatever you do, don't leave someone out because you think they're too busy or not in the right income bracket.
"If it's in your heart to include them, it's their responsibility to assess their ability to participate, not yours," says Naylor. "Wouldn't you hate hearing, 'I didn't think you could afford it?'"
When asking people to be part of your bridal party, there are a few things to keep in mind.
"First things first, ask, don't tell," says Naylor. "It's just a matter of courtesy and people will remember the moment you asked them."
One mistake people make is turning it into a competition.
"Yes, you have a lot of friends who belong in your lineup, but it's just wrong to encourage them to compete their way in," says Naylor. "I've heard of this more recently and it saddens me that anyone would make their friends try to buy them."
